Our first day in, we passed the concierge where posters from all the Broadway shows are displayed.  Kathy and I knew right away we wanted to see something, but that it had to be kid appropriate.  Before leaving for NY we had heard rumors of Spiderman on Broadway; but that turd never floated.   Our hearts cried out for the Addams Family with Nathan Lane.  But we knew the kids weren’t ready to handle that.

Since we have a selection of 30+ shows with several constraints.  This is obviously a search problem, so let me describe our selection in those terms.

First, a sample of the domain:  Wicked, Stomp, Lion King, Mama Mia, West Side Story, Blue Man Group, Le Cage (with Kelsey Grammer), Hair, Phantom, Avenue Q, Naked Boys Singing and of course Mary Poppins.

After discarding the obviously adult content, we are still left with a good sized list:  Wicked, Stomp, Lion King, Blue Man Group, Avenue Q, and Mary Poppins.

Next we remove the shows that we know are too mature because we’ve actually seen them:  Wicked (popular! but scary in parts), Avenue Q (the internet is for porn), Blue Man Group (incredible visuals, but probably too intense for kids).

So the remains are: Lion King, Stomp and Mary Poppins.   Mama and I saw Lion King just one week ago … so scotched.  ‘We’ decided to read the reviews to make a final decision.  What this means is that I read the reviews while Mama went downstairs and bought the tickets for Mary Poppins.  She made the right choice, but really should have let me dither and blather for another hour or so.

Speaking of meaningless empowerment, the kids really get a kick out of pushing the elevator buttons.  We are extra cautious in the city, making sure they hold our hands both on the streets and in subways.  This chafes them. So when they get the ‘power’ to summon elevators and command destinations, it gives them a thrill.  This has become a big deal, with the kids negotiating and complaining over who has the right to press the inside buttons or the outside buttons.  If someones turn is skipped due to third party intervention, we are forced to modify the tallies, reexamine the division of labor, renegotiate new contracts, and sometimes just tell them ‘tough luck’.

So Mary Poppins was awesome.  The kids were enraptured.  Sabrina sat on my lap and pointed out every funny thing just to be sure I didn’t miss any of it.  Max laughed a lot, and worked on his wiggly tooth.  They were scared during some of the rain scenes (which always turn into sunshine), and were startled when the kitchen was destroyed.  They were bored and a little scared when the father was at work and losing his job.  Sabrina clutched at me when Marry Poppins faced off with the wicked nanny (Brimstone and Treacle, that is the thing!).  Max said “I’m not clapping for her, she’s mean.”  And when Mary Poppins banishes the mean nanny, his face was simply radiant with joy.

The show was a complete Broadway experience, including our accidental use of the wrong exit; which dumped us into the side street where fans waited for the actors for autographs.  I didn’t figure we would hang around long enough for the stars to appear, so once we were all watered up I shouldered Sabrina and marched onwards.  Upon reaching the first corner, I look back only to discover we are alone.  My gast was flabbered.  I look for Kathy ahead of us, behind us, on cross streets.  Finally it occurred to me that perhaps she had not followed.  So I cautiously returned to fan door.  Sure enough, Kathy and Max were waving as the child actors returned through the door.  Then she showed me the autographs they had collected.  I nodded and smiled, restricting my commentary on her betrayal to a single stink eye.

The day had been marvelous, and now it was time for us to have our most expensive dinner yet at Mars 2112.  This is a hole in the wall next to a subway station.  I only spotted it due to a large flying saucer sculpture that *almost* rises above ground level.  I figured this place would basically be a diner with some atmosphere.  Instead, it is a mini-theme park with a sub-plot as complex and enthralling as Pluto Nash (for those of you who haven’t seen Pluto Nash, that was a slam).  To get into the restaurant, you traverse murky rock hallways, with occasional ad-hoc construction reminiscent of  Total Recall.  The restaurant itself is a two story room carved out of ‘mars rock’ under dim red lighting.  Several televisions play messages from Empress Gloriana – leader of the Martians forces – and cheap 3d graphics that represent martian landscapes and space ship launches.  The waiters all wear ‘trek-like’ costumes, and the waitresses all wear wigs in improbably shapes and colors.

According to the childrens placemats, the back story is completely represented by three characters:  Captain Orion, QT-pi, and Empress Gloriana.  Captain Orion is the leader of the Imperial Guard, and is a Warrior for Peace.  When the Captain comes by our table he walks with some mo-town funk and is focused on high-fives and balloons for the kids.  QT-pi is the chief scientist and ‘highly charismatic’.  The character is short and rotund with head tentacles that resemble a bouffant hairdo.  When she comes by the table I realize that the costume has zero peripheral vision, and due to the costumes width desperately needs some.  The most problematic for the kids was Empress Gloriana.  She does not have a mask so the kids are forced to actually speak with her.  I find conversations with strangers to be stilted and unproductive, and this one is no different.  The conversation starts on scripted pathways, then crashes on the bedrock of my sons shyness:  ”What planet are you from?” “Earth, that is very far away.  What brings you here?” … mumble, mumble …

Surprisingly our food is good.  Hideously expensive, but good.  The kids hamburgers were also good, but the Macaroni and Cheese my son ordered is obviously out of box.  All told, the meal was $90.  If you are interested in childish experiences, and have cash to burn, then give Mars 2112 a try.  But do it soon, I don’t expect the place to be in business much longer.

On *MY* sixth day, I rested.  I had to, really.  My second cold was slamming me hard.  After a few inchoate attempts to form a plan, Kathy took off with some dirty clothes and I was left to ‘watch’ the kids.  The air quotes mean I basically turned on TV so they stopped bouncing off the walls.  I would like to defend my parenting skills by saying the I looked for a PBS channel before switching to Disney.

We had to get the clothes washed outside the hotel due a convergence of phenomena.  First, my son had wet his pajamas twice so far (and would probably strike again).  Second, the hotel charged $5 for any single item of clothing to be cleaned, AND they dry clean.  Third, despite paying $50+ for most of our meals, I really am a cheapskate.  My wife feels the same way, plus there was something about ‘alone time’ in there as well.

Once that was all sorted out – clothes cleaned, children appeased – and after I discovered a combination of drugs that would keep me upright; we decided to take a leisurely stroll through Central Park.  To keep down the legwork we plan to take the subway both to and from.  We dress the kids in bathing suits with the intention that they end up either in a pool or something fountainy.

The subway trip is painless.  The kids got to see both a large mouse and cockroach of impressive size.  This is just the first of the wildlife we spot for the day.  In the park we get to see turtles, ducks, finches, jays, squirrels, butterflies, and dragonflies.  Sadly, I see no lizards.  I speculate that city life is too difficult for snakes, skinks and friends.

My six year old son has become an expert on lepidoptera; so we argued briefly about whether some white butterflies were actually moths.  His closing argument was that their bodies were too fat to be butterflies, hence we were examining moths.  Since I had no information to support an opposing point, I let him carry the day.  Times like this I wish I had an Android.

So, starting from the west side around 82nd, we hiked through The Rambles up to Belvedere Castle.  This mini-me castle was intended to provide the illusion that a large castle had been built in the center of the park.  All I know is that after you wedge your way up two flights of narrow winding stone staircases hollering at your kids to hang on to the rail and stop jumping; that you have an unparalleled view of the park and Manhattan.  Beautiful.  The way down is through the same narrow staircases, so be prepared to wait until the top levels are filled with humanity before you can spill back down.

The rest of the day was a bit of a bore, so I’m going to winge off on a mostly unrelated topic.

The beggars, vendors and street performers in New York come in endless varieties.  And they are difficult to tell apart.  My favorite had to be the I(heart)NY shirt vendors who would yell in synchrony “Three Dollars! Three Dollars! Right Here! Right Now! Today Only!”   I caught one of the acrobatic acts just as an athletic man bounced upside down over the heads of four children who ‘volunteered’ from the audience.  I made the mistake of trying to watch the same act from the beginning later on, only to learn I was 15 minutes into a 40 minute show that was going to pass the bucket at least three times.  We saw Elmos begging, Sponge Bob, Mickey and Minney.  Statues of Liberty four at a time posing with passerby.  I loved the micro-mohawk geek and his “Give Me A Dollar I Need to Buy Weed” sign.

But the most poignant of all, was the woman huddled beneath a dirty tarp, shivering as if in her final death throws, a single tear running down her pain wracked face as she miraculously clutched a pristine plastic cup appropriately seeded with some dollar bills which tapped the ground in a staccato that matched her slowly stilling heart.  It brought to mind the little match girl.  This was the best dramatic performance I saw on Broadway, even though it was on 5th.

As for the rest of the day:  We ate at the Boathouse.  I’m pretty sure we got snubbed because I was wearing my Captain America and the Avengers T-shirt.  We hiked down to the park with the outdoor fountains.  Ran the kids around until they were crying for no reason.  Back to our room for naps followed by room service dinner.  The end.

Oh, we picked up snacks from Pax Wholesome Foods twice during the trip.  Each time the pastries were stale.  Could have been an evening thing.  My recommendation: feh!

Day five was indian sweat box day.  We took the subway down to the south end of manhattan, and after wandering around the Staten Island Ferry terminal for a while, figured out we had to hike through Battery Park to get to the Liberty / Ellis Island Ferry.  We were in a rush to get the tickets and get aboard the ferry.  They left every 30 minutes, so if we didn’t hurry we would be sitting around for 25 minutes.  We rushed past a variety of interesting sites – most especially the cooling water fountain.  We didn’t take the time to look at the Fort Clinton exhibits.  But we made record time getting into line for the ferry.

Forty Five minutes later, we got through the lines, through security, and made it onto the ferry.  I’m designated water boy.  In the morning we load up the water bottles for the grey backpack.  Dam thing must weigh about 40 pounds.  By the time we got on the ferry, it was down to half weight.  That was a bit of a relief, but I wish I could have skipped the middle man and just poured water straight onto my shirt.  The results were the same, only mildly stinkier – as my daughter was more than happy to point out.

The ferry ride was a treat.  We stayed on the first deck so we were out of the sun.  And as it turned out we had a terrific view of the Statue of Liberty all the way up to the island.  The statue sits on a star shaped structure, which I speculate was once a river fort.  I didn’t read enough history to determine if this was the case.

I have a suspicion about Lady Liberty.  It grew stronger as I circled the structure first by boat, then later on foot.  I’m pretty sure she’s preggers.  Its a subtle thing, she’s either preggers or has an incipient beer gut.  I figure the artist must have meant preggers as some type of sociopolitical commentary … like liberty gives birth to free society.  Or maybe its a cautionary tale involving togas.

We didn’t climb the statue.  Turns out you need to buy tickets a week in advance.  But we enjoyed the park, the people, our kids, and taking pictures.  Then I had to reload the water (*boohoo*) and on to Ellis Island.

Kathy and I had a little bit of crossed signals about the exhibits on Ellis Island.  I knew they had to have displays that spoke about the experience, hopes and dreams of the immigrants as they passed into this new land.  We just wandered into the wrong room to start out:  Barbies of the World.  She and the kids enjoyed viewing 30+ Barbie dolls dressed in native garb from around the world.  Then we drifted into a room full of three dimensional charts that spoke about immigration, slavery, and indentured servitude.

By the time we got through those rooms we were exhausted Sabrina had become a lump welded to my hip.  There was no more walking out of that little one.  By the time I figured out that Ellis Island was founded in 1890, twenty years after slavery was made illegal, and found the exhibits talking about what immigrants experience when they reached the island; our family unit had dissolved into vicious goo (yes vicious, not viscous).

The third ferry trip brought us back to the park, where we celebrated with Ice Creams and romping through the fountains.

For dinner we went to John’s Pizzeria, on 44th street between Broadway and 8th.  The outside is an unprepossessing door and window.  Inside, is a hallway leading to the vaulted dining hall of the converted hotel.  The place is chic, attractive, and not too expensive.  Remember that the small pizzas are what we call mediums back on the west coast.  The crust is thin, but cooked crispy.  The guidebook recommends that you fold up your slices so that the bottoms face outwards.  Having given it a try, I heartily agree.  And I recommend this pizza to the next soul to come along.

We hiked over to grand central station today, stopping at Bryant park to enjoy the greenery.  There a street had been cordoned off, and a wells fargo stagecoach with clydesdales leading it.  The horses had been standing in position long enough to decorate the asphalt.  Our best guess was that they were going to film a commercial.  This turned out to be incorrect.

We tried heading down towards grand central, only to discover that 5th had been cordoned off completely.  So we had to circle up a few blocks to get around it.

Grand Central is .. well grand.  We had lunch there, which was surprisingly good.  My kids were staring at a thalidomide baby (well man) who had artificial legs and played bongo drums with the stubs.  The second most interesting thing to them was the constellation display above the vaulted terminal.  Oh, and making echos in the tiled tunnels.

Then we started trekking south to get to the empire state building.  One street crossing shy of our goal was the Gay Pride Parade!  It was marvelous, fantastic, the kids loved it.  I especially loved the flagboys with their pink banners.  The kids really liked the explosions of confetti.  Fortunately, they were allowing some cross traffic at this intersection, so after 20 minutes we crossed the street and entered the Empire State  Building.

The interior is designed like a ride at disneyland.  Lines and more lines to get to the ticket booth.  Lines and more lines to get to the first photo opportunity.  More lines to the elevators.  More lines to the second elevators.  More lines to the observation deck.  And then even more lines on the way out.  By some miracle, we hit on a day with zero lines.

Here is what the kids got out of our visit:  we saw a genuine new york cockroach.  It looked just like Wall-E’s buddy from the movie.  The kids got to learn a little bit about KingKong.  Or as they put it, ‘thats just like the M&M guy!’  (the animated billboard just outside our apartment).  They also like watching the parade from a viewpoint of 1000 foot. We could hear the cheering from that high up!

Dinner that evening was at the Celtic  Brew Pub, which was a mistake.  The food looked very nice, but for paying double our usual rates, the quality could only be described as average-ish.

Fortunately, we’d been through the native americans exhibit, where the women had been scraping and treating deerhide to make leather clothing.  So we could tell her that the caveman, defending his dead deer against a vulture, was before people had learned how to make clothes.  It was a good introduction to discussing the advancement of technologies.  Plus, his girlfriends hoohoo was out there too.

The entrance to the Museum of Natural History (made famous in Night at the Museum) was a football stadium sized room containing a scale model of the sun that is about 50 yards accross.  Arrayed around the sun model are scale models of the planets in the solar system, plus planets from neighboring systems.  It gives a very good perspective on size.

In the same room is the mars rovers brother.  It was bigger than I thought, about the size of a golf cart.  I’d always envisioned it about the size of a breadbox.

We managed to track through North American Mammals, Native Americans, The Advancement of Man (evolution! evolution), Metorites, Natural Gems (piles of gold and some diamonds), then made a bee line to the dinosaur exhibit.  On the way we passed non-saurian displays.  There was a pre-historic frog that looked somewhat like a fat alligator,  and a turtle the size of a volkswagon.  I miss those good old days when the air was 30% denser, and 10 degrees hotter.  Can’t really get the 3 foot dragon flies anymore.

The rest of the day was subways, hiking, potty breaks, and Ruby Foos.   I recommend Ruby Foos, it’s around broadway and 49th.

On waking, the kids have been watching the M&M billboard long enough to start predicting which animation was coming next.  “Wait papa, its the guy on top of the building next”.  “Okay, after this one”.  “Wait, he’s after this one”.  etc…

Nathan Lane stars in an Addams Family musical.  It will be marvelous of course, and when it comes to Portland without him it will be but a pale imitation.  Having seen Dirty Rotten Scoundrels, The Producers *and* the Lion King; I know this pain well.  Kathy and I dream of going, but there is no good place to stash the kids.  *Sigh*  Responsibility sucks.

Other billboards tell me about Corona, a tv series named Leverage (satelite dishes and women in tight pleather), Harry Potter, something staring Zac Efron, and oddly one billboard claiming the Humane Society is a Scam?

Our actual day is walking.  Which is good, exhausting but good.  We went by 30 Rock, saw all the landmarks around the rockefeller center.  Visiting FAO Shwartz,  Kathy was excited to see the giant piano from Big.  We walked through the park, through the zoo (but not visiting), to a park with water fountains where the kids can run around mostly  naked.

After quadra napping, we went the other direction, walking the length of Times Square.  Half of Broadway has been converted to walking space with seating.  There are manikins with decorations (similar to the Portland bulls (and I’m afraid to consider the metaphorically comparison there)), we stop at half of them to admire dresses made out of seashells, rocks and occasionally just concepts.  On the side streets from Broadway we can see the theaters with the shows we won’t be able to see: Lion King, Blue Man Group, Addams Family, Mary Poppins (oh hey! there’s an opportunity).

Once again the final word goes to my daughter.  As we pressed our way through the rush hour crush she says, “Papa, its a Parade!”

I like the weather here.  After all, I spent my summers in Bakersfield.  It’s not quite that hot, and definitely moister.  The Lincoln Tunnel is a two lane white tiled hole that feels like a sauna.  Our taxi cab did not have a concept of Air Conditioning.  My sinuses are all kinds of clear now.

Taxi driving is a blood sport.  Our driver is a Dominican gladiator, in an open air chariot (the windows would not roll up), screaming his defiance to all challengers.  Turn signals are used as both bluffs and double bluffs.  We cut off a bus which blasted us with its train horns.  Exhilarating.

And then we slept.  The final word belongs to my daughter.  Just before we entered our DoubleTree Hilton Hotel, she says  “Papa, I smell horse poop.”

I am keeping my promise to avoid games on saturday morning.  I was keeping it mostly due to my sons t-ball games.  T-ball is awesome.  I wish my son could be 6 years old forever.

But now that t-ball is over, I am still keeping the pledge.

Here is my new pledge.  Each weekend, or every few days I will post something small that touches on the nearest moments.  My brain tends to scan far into the future, and I often lose sight of the simple joys close to hand.

So, status report: the whole family has a cold.  I took the kids to the library for story time, but its been cancelled, so instead I sat down and read them three books from the shelves.  ”Tomatoes from Mars” was interesting, but I don’t recommend it.  We are heading to New York for our big annual vacation next thursday.  I just found out that my brother with his wife and six kids are moving out of my parents attic.  ”12 Kingdoms” is a pretty good anime series.  ”Gun Sword” is juvenile, but I like it.

I was raised catholic, but it didn’t stick.  I just had this need to get questions answered with something other than riddles.  Why do bad things happen to good people?  It is a mysterious plan beyond our fathoming!  Sounds capricious to me.  I find it preferable to think of things as either a clockwork universe or quantum dice.  No intent means no blame.

I learned about the greek legends from cartoons (Mighty Hercules).  I loved the greek and roman pantheons.  They were so terribly human, and consequently believable.  Oh and don’t forget exciting!  Heracles battles the hydra, chopping off one poisonous head only for two more to grow.  Beats the heck out of loaves and fishes.  Well, driving demons into pigs was pretty kewl.

I went to catholic high school and was taught comparative religions (go figure).  At the same time I started collecting comic books, so I was able to catch up on my nordic mythos (go Thor!).  In college I finally got to learn about philosophical traditions going back to Sophocles of Greece (and I always wondered, how come there were no famous egyptian philosophers? oh yeah Ptolemy).

‘River World’ was fun as it collided religions from all times with each other.  Mark Twain has some heated arguments with a Zoroastrian priest as I recall.  (Oh, and before you read any of Mark Twains angel stories, remember that Satan was an angel).

Between studying japanese and renting ‘Little Buddha’, I learned the gist of Zen Buddhism and Taoism.  As philosophies that focus on self improvement and finding happiness without teaching mysticism, I found them to most closely resonate with my soul.

Atheists believe there is no god.  Agnostics question the existence of god.  I am neither, as I have found god to be completely irrelevant.  Completely irrelevant, that is, except for believers who beat on me when they hear my opinion.  (And don’t worry, I have not told my kids there is no santa claus.  I’ll let them figure it out for themselves.)

So finally, here it is, outlined as a specific category in the Pew Forum report on American religions.  http://religions.pewforum.org/reports It is a single line, just after Agnostic, and just before Don’t Know/Refused.

I am ‘Nothing in Particular’, along with 12% of the population  …. til rested he by the jubjub tree, and stood a while in thought.

Last night as I was sitting and vegetating to this excellent time-waster, I could hear my son and daughter in the other room. They were talking about using grenades and machines guns to fight zombies. “I’m gonna shoot them in the head, then their arms are gonna fall off …” etcetera …

So I killed my game and went into the other room. I listened to them for a while. They asked me to wrestle, but I declined as I recently hurt my back. Eventually a new game we could play together gelled in my skull.

‘Product Development’, I explained, ‘is about taking an existing product, then adding improvements. Your goal is to create something that customer will buy.’ My kids are 4 and 5 respectively, about to have their birthdays. We have played similar games in the past: shopkeeper, farmer, restaurant … They picked up on the outline and goals without much explanation.

For our first product, we made bowls using legos. I created a basic bowl as a template, then asked them to create something similar with embellishments. We used their mother to do a customer survey – ‘what do you want to see in your bowls’; the answer ‘rainbow colors’. So we came up with a rainbow bowl, a square bowl, and a bowl with a dogs head and tail. We presented the customer with four products (two made by the kids), then asked the customer to rate the top two. Mama selected the bowls designed by the babies.

For round two we made shoes. If we play again it might be boats, refrigerators or chairs.